Mental Health and Transparency with Students

 In October 2023, after seeking out and going through ADHD testing, I received a formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist. I spent the remainder of last school year thinking through what this diagnosis means for me, exploring medication (and whether that would be helpful for me or not), figuring out systems that are helpful for me as a mom and a teacher with ADHD.

On top of that, I have dealt with mainly facial tics for as long as I can remember (though they affect other parts of my body too). They look like twitching and other uncontrollable movements in my neck and face. It can also look like repeated movements and sounds (like coughing). They tend to get worse when I'm stressed and I can get into periods where it's incredibly hard if not impossible to stop doing those movements or making the sounds I do.

In the past, I have never said anything about my ticks and have gone into the school year hoping that people wouldn't notice. But the longer I taught, suddenly I had students asking me why I made jerky movements or asking if I was angry with them when they'd see a facial tick that distorted my expression. I realized I was unintentionally sending mixed signals. Once I was diagnosed with ADHD though, I felt compelled (maybe with a hint of obligation as well) to say something to my classes and that brought into question whether I would also say something about my tics. 

I spent the summer of 2024 contemplating what the benefits of sharing both of these things might be and if it would make my job harder or easier. Ultimately, I decided it would make things better enough to talk about it. Here's why:

1. Students wouldn't have to question what I was really thinking and feeling because of my struggles. Communication could be clearer.
2. According to the CDC, roughly 10% of 3-17 year olds in the U.S. have been diagnosed with ADHD. Maybe seeing someone with ADHD in a role like teaching that requires a lot of organization and planning ahead could show them some of the possibilities for their life-- nothing is off the table.
3. There would be a better understanding that I'm not doing unhelpful things (like having a messy space or taking a long time to grade things) on purpose. They're just harder tasks for me to accomplish.

At the beginning of each year, I usually play a game of "What Do You Assume?" and have students guess things about me. They can be simple and mundane things, but they're usually things students tend to ask me when given enough time. What's my family like? How long have I been a teacher? Am I married? Do I have kids? But I also have an "other" section where I share other things about me that don't fit into these categories. For example, what movies and shows are my favorite? What am I involved in at my school? These aren't things that I make students guess the answer to, but I'll just share with them because they help solidify with students that I'm human and I have lots of other things happening in my life when I show up for class. So this year, I decided to include my ADHD and tics in my introduction. I shared what "my flavor" of ADHD and tics looked like in me since I am not everyone and both disorders look different from person to person.

At the time of writing this, I have completed the first 14 weeks of the school year (I'm writing this on Thanksgiving Break). That's enough time to form relationships with students, get behind then caught up then even more behind on grading, and form a routine within my own classroom and have feelings about said routine. Here's what I'm noticing:

1. It's not a magic bullet. Just because I shared these things with students doesn't mean that they will approach me with instant understanding when I haven't graded their assignments in three weeks (or longer). They aren't infinitely patient when I ask four or five times what they said after repeatedly not truly hearing/understanding them. They don't automatically get it when I forget things they asked me or told me.
   
   
2. Students watch closer than I think AND/OR Sometimes
   I'm better at masking than I think. I had a student recently who told me he thought I was lying about having tics because he hadn't seen them. They've been there and holy cow, they've been a lot to handle recently with everything that's been thrown my way this school year. Alternatively, another student commented to me that she understood what I meant about tics now because she was seeing them more frequently. Months had passed between the initial conversation and these follow-up comments and yet, this had been simmering in the back of their minds somewhere. There's curiosity especially around my tics. But this makes sense because according to this article, around 1% of people have a tic disorder, so compared to ADHD, it's pretty rare.
   
   
3. I have language to talk about what I'm experiencing. In those times when I'm trying really hard to listen to a student but the language just isn't coming through, I've been known to say something like, "I'm sorry, my brain isn't processing language well today. Can you tell me what you said again?" And it doesn't feel weird or like I'm making an excuse. I'm being real about what's happening in my brain and making it clear that I'm not ignoring students or not listening to students. I'm able to avoid saying "Sorry, I didn't hear you" without having to explain what I mean as an immediate follow-up. It's a small thing, but for me it makes a difference.
   
   
4. I feel like I have to hide less. I still feel negative feelings when I forget things, and struggle to keep my focus, or get stuck in a cycle I feel like I can't get out of with my motor tics, but it's mainly because I've caught myself, not because I've been called out by a student. Both are not-good feelings, but I can deal with the feelings that come from within myself better that I can deal with the external reminders, if that makes sense. I don't have to have a recovery period of "it's fine, no seriously, everything is fine" like I tried to do before. So my discomfort doesn't last as long as it used to.

All of this is not to say that everyone should go out and disclose what's going on with their bodies and brains if they work in a people-facing type of job. If anything, I'm more aware of just how personal of a decision this is. I think ultimately for me, even with the awkward moments, it was worth it. I feel like I'm living a more honest life while at work. And that feels really good.

Fanfiction Made Me Love Harry Potter More

2024 has quickly become the year of rediscovering parts of my childhood in many different ways, but one way I didn't expect that to occur was by taking a deep dive into fanfiction, specifically Harry Potter fanfiction. I don't know if I could tell you how this obsession started, since I didn't read fanfiction as a kid. Yet, here I am, thirty years old and I'm creating notes on Google Keep so I can keep track of the fanfiction I've been loving, which ones I'm in the middle of, and which ones I need to return to periodically to see if there are updates. My phone tells me that I've been averaging 6-7 1/2 hours a day on my phone lately and that's all because I've been reading fanfiction almost constantly, since it's at my fingertips. I've been allowing myself to dive back into Harry Potter in a way that I haven't indulged in quite some time.

Once it came to light that She Who Must Not Be Named (aka the author of this beloved series) is a transphobic and all-around problematic and terrible person, tons of people felt really conflicted about being part of the fandom. I know I felt that complication tugging at me and still do, to a certain extent. Yet, somehow, fanfiction has been a balm to soothe this ache I've been feeling as I attempt to be a good ally and still partaking in my favorite fandoms and that helped shape me into the person I am today. It's been a really nice way to have more adventures with characters I love while not supporting the author.

I was extremely surprised to find that fanfiction comes in all sorts of lengths as well as styles. There are plenty of one-shot stories that look at one specific part of the fandoms people write about and consider the "what ifs" that the series leaves behind. But then there are also tons of rewrites or complete departures that do the same thing, but in novel-length writing! Some of my favorites involve seeing what might happen if Voldemort recognized the signs that Harry is the horcrux he never intended to make and seeing Harry actually be raised by his parents or at least by Sirius.

There are relationships I wish the author could have explored explored (or not...) and we get to see how things could be if certain characters ended up with each other, broke up with each other, remained friends, etc. (for the record, I'm now a huge Draco/Harry shipper). Things that are subtle or glossed over in the series can now be looked at and scrutinized. Harry doesn't have to be okay with growing up abused and neglected. He can stand up to the adults that continuously did him wrong and let things slide when they really shouldn't have. Characters, like Snape, are able to redeem themselves in ways that actually feel like they make a difference in Harry's life and to the Wizarding World. Harry has been able to get therapy to help him work through the staggering amount of trauma he has been through in his life. People who died in the series get a second chance and they get to rise to the occasion of being the mentors, parents, friends, and family that they didn't get to be either at all or for long enough. And it's been amazing! 

Getting away from plot points, there's also the matter of representation being a much bigger thing that it is in the original series, particularly LGBTQ+ representation. To get personal for a moment, I didn't really dig into my own sexuality until I started college. Not because I lived in a repressive household or had an unsupportive family or anything like that, it just didn't occur to me to think about it too hard and try and put a label to things. I was just myself. But then this summer, I was reading a story in which Harry discloses to someone with the same amount of casualness I had that he is pansexual-- if he's attracted to you, he's attracted to you. Gender isn't really a factor for him. I was reading in the car next to my wife and I audibly squealed because I literally felt so seen. Harry was coming out to someone with so little fanfare and with so much assurance that that's just part of who he is that it almost wasn't even worth mentioning. I've also come across stories where characters have different mental and physical health conditions and that's all representation too.

These fan pieces have made this story feel much more well-rounded and real than they ever have before, which I didn't think was possible. I really didn't give this type of writing the credit it deserves. It's been so lovely to dip my toes back in this world and not be left feeling gross or jaded or something else after diving in head first after not being as immersed in this world for quite some time. I feel more connected with the community surrounding this fandom, I feel more connected with myself in some ways, and I even feel more connected to my wife since we've been able to talk about this.

Who knows, maybe I don't need to stop at reading fanfiction. Maybe now it's time to try my hand at writing it now.